getting a little better

Today I did a lot better with prayer. I put more intention into it. It felt great. I want to keep that up.

I'm still reading some Qur'an each day too. I feel like I'm getting more out of it each time, to an exponential degree, it's pretty cool. Like each sentence brings more meaning into all the others.

With prayer, I like the time out from everything else to just focus on it and connecting with Allah.

update-moving on up

So since the last time I wrote, I have been putting forth more effort into this. It feels good, and I like seeing my intentions put into action.

I started rereading the Qur'an. I actually have two different English translations. I really liked the first one I read. I'm glad I read two different ones, just for a different perspective on the same thing. I can see how things can vary in translation. Insha Allah one day I will learn Arabic and be able to read it in its original language! But for now, I am rereading the first translation again, and I am really into it again already. If I had nothing else to do, I'd be content to just sit and read it all day! I love it. I finding myself getting more out of it each time I read it. And the more I learn about Islam outside of the Qur'an, the more the Qur'an makes sense in some ways that I didn't understand before, as I didn't know the context of different things. It's filling in gaps.

I prayed yesterday as well. Insha Allah I will today too.

I feel the desire for some new step forward, though I don't know what that would be. I will keep an open mind for this and see if anything appears.

need to "juice up my battery"

I don't know how else to put it, but yeah, I need to "juice up my battery", so to speak. I still think daily about how I'm Muslim now, and it still makes me smile. It's sinking in more and more to deeper and deeper levels in me, which is nice.

I haven't been great at improving on doing prayers though. I am reading a Rumi poem each day (usually twice a day). That helps me think about how profound all of this is. I miss reading some of the Qur'an every day though. So I might start getting back into that.

I still haven't told anyone I converted in real life, and I don't know any Muslims. It feels lonely, but at the same time I don't feel ready to try to meet anyone or go to a masjid yet or anything else like that.

I just want to focus on getting prayers better and learning more, I guess. I suppose that's my current goal.

some thoughts of the day

I've been reading Spiritual Gems of Islam..., and I really like it. There's a hadith quoted in it that I came across that I like: "Know thyself and you shall know thy Sustainer." This book is more spiritual than religious, but I like it. It's tickling my mind and making me think about Islam from another point of view.

I feel the desire and need to progress with praying more and more correctly, but it's hard. It seems like this is the first hard thing for a lot of new Muslims, from what I've found. It's hard when it's not a habit, especially when it's in another language and all the steps and things about it... but I'll get there Insha'Allah. I'm working on it.

I'm thinking about hijab and was set on getting certain ones to try out around my home to get used to it and to wear while praying, but the website I had found and liked hasn't gotten back to me about questions I had about the site and how it works. I might try somewhere else, but I haven't found as good of a selection elsewhere. I guess for a first hijab (I want to get an Al Amira one or two piece), I don't need to be too picky. I also want to get a prayer mat from somewhere.

I'm finding it hard to balance all of my other priorities, plus this huge desire I have to learn about Islam. Maybe it's good, so I don't go too fast and get ahead of myself. I do feel the potential of it growing in me.

I wish I could find a way to connect with some Muslim sisters. I'm not ready to go to a masjid yet. I also feel this great distance between me and my friends. I've put it there to have room for myself, but I keep having dreams about them and wonder how they will fit into my life if I decide to be more social. What will they think of this? And how will my friendships be with my male friends? I'm also wondering how many other ways this will affect my life in ways I haven't thought of yet. If there's anything I'm used to that I'll have to give up. I already don't eat meat and don't drink and dress pretty modestly aside from covering my hair, so those kinds of things aren't a change. I do wonder how wearing hijab will feel. I'm sure it will feel really nice, I want to wear it. I'm just wondering, how, in reality, it will be, here where I live, how people will react, and how I will feel about it. Confident? Free? Self conscious? Foreign/Other? Normal? I don't know. I have a feeling I'll know when I'm ready.

Where I'm at with things/hijab/prayer/books

It's been a week since I took my Shahada! :) I'm so glad I did. I feel a lot better about things since then.

I'm thinking I'd like to get a prayer mat. I have hardwood floors which doesn't make for very comfortable praying! I also want to get a couple different kinds of hijabs just to get used to wearing them. I think I'll wear them at home and while praying. I don't know when I'll start wearing them out, but once the weather is cooler, I think the transition will be easier. I've heard it recommended to wear them around home, look at oneself in the mirror and even take a picture and look at it, just to get used to seeing oneself with it on. I think that will help me get used to wearing it. I'd like to feel more solid with things before taking that step of wearing it out. I've been working on my inner hijab and dressing modestly and try to be mindful of those things. I think actually wearing a head covering out will help with that, but I want to feel like I have a good foundation of modest behavior otherwise before wearing the more obvious symbol people associate with Muslim women. I've heard some non-Muslims criticize new revert Muslim women who wear hijab but aren't otherwise perfect Muslims, calling them hypocritical or thinking they are being fake or attention seeking. Not that those people know what they are talking about, not that they knew the person or the circumstances, and not that those people's opinions and judgements matter, but... I'd rather behave in a way that I find consistent with things and feel able to talk about things comfortably first, because I'm sure I could get a comment or question, or people might look and think things, and I think it would be best if I present myself in a respectable and respectful way. That's how I'd like to be anyway. Plus I want to be consistent. I feel like if I take things one step at a time, things will be easier along the way, rather than trying to jump into something I'm not used to and forcing myself to deal with it.

I'm working on learning the prayer, and each time I do it, it seems to flow better. I'll be excited when I can do the whole prayer without referencing my notes! I haven't been praying on time, and Insha'Allah that will get easier too. I really am trying to ease into things, which I've heard it recommended. I feel like I'm slowly and carefully taking each step forward, which is comfortable, and feels like I'm heading in the right direction. I'd rather do that than, again, plunging forward to fast and then having difficulty. I've also only been praying once a day, which I'd like to increase, but I'm not forcing myself to do anything but easing into things.

I haven't told anyone I've converted! I'd like to connect with other reverts. Eventually I'd like to find a community to be involved in, but I think it would be overwhelming for me at this point to meet a group of people or feel any pressure to do anything. I still get this thought several times a day, "Oh yeah... I'm Muslim!" and I love it, but I'm not used to the idea yet.

I've been having a lot of vivid dreams lately, and I think it's sorting out things in my head. My old way of life and this new way of life. My relations with others and activities and things and what I want to be doing with my time and how I want to be associating with people. My priorities and interests and opinions. Things have been changing, and I feel it's all positive. I do wonder how it will affect my friendships with people. I'm taking my time with this. I feel like this is a positive change for me, so I would hope that people would be happy for me. I'm trying to gradually incorporate this into my life. Fit all the good stuff together. I do wonder how much other stuff I'll disregard. What isn't important anymore? What don't I want? I think it's a good to let certain things go, and I do feel that within Islam is a helpful guide as to what is important. I've even been having dreams with Satan in them, and had thoughts in them about Satan's trying to persuade me, but in them, I am not interested, which is relieving and I think a good sign that I'm headed in a good direction. I don't want things that are bad for me.

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I'm reading some books, so I figure I'll list them in case I feel like discussing them.

I just started Spiritual Gems of Islam: Insights & Practices from the Qur'an, Hadith, Rumi & Muslim Teaching Stories to Enlighten the Heart & Mind by Imam Jamal Rahman. I don't have anything to say about it yet, I'm on the first page. I'm excited to read it though.

A Year With Rumi: Daily Readings by Coleman Barks. This is a poem a day, and there is a date (month and day) for each. I started a few days ago and do enjoy reading a poem a day. I love Rumi's poetry.

The Autobiography of Malcolm X. I love reading autobiographies and hearing stories about people's lives. I saw the movie based on his life a few years back. I thought the movie was good, but books are of course always way better, they're so much more in depth.

crucial conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler. This was recommended to me in a work context, and I think there's some good points in this. Some of the suggestions, a lot, are things I already do. I do think though that this book plus this new Muslim insight is actually helping me critique myself and pay more attention to how I look at myself and my behavior and how I am with others. I think it will be really useful.

And lastly, Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. I read this at the laundry mat, so I'm not zooming through it like I can sometimes with books. I read this as a kid and loved it. I saw the movie a couple years back and loved it. So I'm rereading it now and find it very pleasant reading.

Thoughts... + Intro?

I'm really glad I saved that draft. I wasn't sure if I wanted to post it, but there it still was for me.

So far, I've been working on prayer, step by step. I'm not giving myself a hard time about not having it perfect at this point but am getting more used to it and feel like I'm getting closer to doing it correctly. I think it'll be nice once I'm spending less of prayer time focusing on what I'm doing and how to do it and can say the words and do steps without having to think about it. Not that I want to go through it mindlessly, but I feel like I'll be able to focus more on why I'm doing it rather than how to do it. I'd like to get a prayer rug.

Since taking my Shahada, it's been pretty nice. I get this thought here and there... "I'm Muslim now," and I smile. I feel proud of myself that I've taken this step. That I want to connect more with Allah and take steps towards being a better person. I am able to look at myself more critically and see what I'm doing and admit when I could do something better. Not that I'm putting myself down, but looking at my actions more objectively. I'm able to accept my imperfections and not dwell on them. We weren't perfect and aren't expected to be perfect. I'm watching my intentions more and what motivates me.

I'm very inspired by youtube videos by other reverts. That's what inspired me to make this blog. Maybe sometime I'll put up youtube videos. Not sure. I just found those so helpful, I feel like putting some of my own experiences out there in case anyone comes across them and finds it useful. Plus I like noting this journey I'm on. Hope that's not too redundant from my initial entry.

I've had this other feeling that's hard to describe, and I feel like it's developing. Its like there's this addition, or a clarity, to things now. I'm seeing things in a different perspective and have a different desire. I feel more at peace with myself and everything else. Like I don't have to be mad that things aren't perfect.

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As far as an intro goes... not sure what to say. I don't know what all I want to talk about on here? And that might vary depending on if anyone reads this and wants to hear about anything. I want to talk about my experiences as a new Muslim for sure. I guess I should say a bit about myself. I'm an American woman. Was brought up Christian but was Buddhist/Atheist for a long time. I've studied Islam for a long time as well, though not much in-depth til the beginning of this year. I've now read The Qur'an (English translations) twice, along with some other books about Islam.

I watch TONS of videos on youtube, and lots of female Muslims I see doing hijab tutorials and beauty and fashion stuff, and while I like that stuff and could talk about that stuff, I could also not. I love reviews of products and if they actually work well. I could do some of those if it would be helpful. I haven't started wearing hijab much yet, but I've got a collection of scarves started. I'd like to eventually, and Insha'Allah it'll be an easy transition over time. I'm still getting used to considering myself Muslim and haven't talked to anyone about it yet. Once I get more used to the idea, I might try contacting a mosque and seeing if I can connect with a sister. I think it might be easier to connect with sisters online who have been in similar shoes before first? So I at least don't feel like I'm going it alone. I don't know any Muslims.

I read a lot as well, so I could write about the books I'm reading. There's plenty of other things I could talk about as well, though my mind's starting to get tired, so I think I'm gonna go for now.

September 2, 2013 It begins.

This is the start of this blog. I don't feel up to doing a full and proper "intro" at this point, but I do feel like starting it. So here goes...

I'm using this to document my journey. I just took my Shahada. Yep, I'm Muslim now. It seems weird to see that typed, coming from me. I just said it by myself, no formal ceremony or witnesses. Insha'Allah I will get the opportunity to say the Shahada with Muslim witnesses at a mosque sometime in the future.

How do I feel right now? Kind of in awe. Like... I have this new beginning and a new frame of reference for everything. It's refreshing. I feel like I have a new identity. I feel more connected to things, and I feel like I have more responsibility.

My intention with starting this blog is to keep track of how this goes. I'm not sure anyone else will read it, but if anyone does, Insha'Allah they will find it helpful. I've been researching Islam for months now, and finding info from other reverts has been invaluable. It made me realize I can do this! Everyone's story is unique, and I find that bits of others' I relate to and some I don't. Insha'Allah if anyone reads this they'll find they relate to a bit of it or at least find it interesting.

Thanks for reading. Peace.