quick update

I just feel like posting a quick update. I want to keep up with this.

I've been praying, Alhumdilillah. I've been reading the Qur'an still too.

I know this isn't exciting news, but I don't want to let the ball drop with this blog or with staying mindful of my faith, and this helps with that. I suppose if I feel like I'm not doing enough, that says something in and of itself. Like I could put more effort into this and my faith and reflecting on my faith. I'll keep that in mind, Insha Allah.

quote from the Qur'an I like + my thoughts on it

I'm reading the Qur'an tonight, and I came across this quote I really like from chapter 57: "He it is Who sends down clear Signs to His servant that He may bring you out of every kind of darkness into the light." I love it. It says so much. It acknowledges that Allah sent us these signs, and why. I do believe he sent us signs. I think they are infinite. I believe if we look for them, we'll be able to see them everywhere. One just has to acknowledge it and understand it and that's what they are. And the whole point, it is saying here, I think, is that it is to bring us from a dark place we'd otherwise be into a lighter place, where we should be, where we are free, where we understand. This quote is inspirational to me, and I feel like it does reflect the impact that Islam is having on me-or that my life now reflects what this is describing. How nice! And that is just in this world! Alhumdulillah!

pacing myself & intentions

I'm still praying and working on getting it right. I feel like I've got to pace myself though. I feel like if I take things quicker than one step at a time, then quickly I feel like it's too much. This is such a big adjustment already, I don't want to get burnt out feeling or discouraged or like it's a burden or like I'm failing. So I'm taking it as it comes and putting effort in little by little, one step at a time. I see my growth curve gradually going up, which I think overall is good. Insha Allah one day I will be praying the prayers correctly and regularly.

That's one of my intentions. Then the other one I keep thinking about is wearing hijab. I want to, but I know I'm not ready for it yet. Insha Allah one day I will get there too. Today I got this deep, inner feeling like I wanted to. It wasn't just a feeling of I should, or that I would like to for a superficial reason or in and of itself. It was a feeling like this is the correct thing for me, and I will feel better if I do that. I think the idea of it is sinking in.

I'm still reading the Qur'an often and am still reading Reclaim Your Heart and am finding that I'm getting a lot out of both. They give me something to think about. Both reading in these frequently and praying frequently help me keep Allah in mind and my priorities in line with where I want them. I think that helps me keep my actions in check too. All of this is beneficial. It all feels like it's its own reward, but I know that there is an Ultimate reward for it all as well.

I am keeping the things I am grateful for and appreciative of in mind often and notice and am aware of them and thank Allah for these.

working at prayer

I've been wanting to get better with prayer, and I feel like I'm making some progress with that. I received a prayer rug now I'm using, and that is helpful. A string of prayer beads came with it. I looked up how to use those. I'm not sure that's something everyone does, but I did try that after prayer today and liked it. I've been feeling after prayer like there's something else I'd like to do. I have this feeling like, "That's it?" and feel good that I did do the prayer. So this is something I might start doing after each prayer. I like the beads, it helps me stay focused so my mind doesn't wander. I feel like that action helps me with connecting with Allah and staying mindful of that connection at that time. That's what I want out of prayer anyway- a connection with Allah, so it's nice to find something I can do to help me feel that, in addition to prayer. The rug helps prayer be more comfortable and feel more formal. I'm more mindful of setting up my prayer space at the time too. Another thing I just did was set the prayer times on my phone, so I'll better be able to keep track of when they are too. I know there's phone apps with the call to prayer, which would be awesome to have set on my phone. I don't do apps but might try to set that up. I do like feeling like I'm praying with a lot of people, even if I'm not actually with them. Like there's others praying at the same time as me. I haven't been great at doing them on time and just have felt like doing them at all is at least a step. So doing them on time and more consistently would be great. Prayer almost feels like I'm taking the time to "check in" with Allah and myself, especially while making dua. It's a chance to evaluate my priorities. I can see why doing prayer often and taking time out of everything else can be beneficial, even if it seems inconvenient. It's easy to get caught up in unimportant things and put important things to the side at times.

Last night I did a deep cleaning of my apartment, and it sort of feels like the same thing in a way. I feel like I'm making room for the important things and put everything else to the side. There's less clutter, more organization, and the important things are easily accessible and easy to see, more noticeable. A mental clearing can go along with a physical clearing. I feel ready now for things I want to be doing. Alhumdulilah.

prayer and hijab and being "out"

I've been working on prayer. I wish I could get more consistent. Insha Allah I will get better at it. One thing I think would help me is if I could spend some time working on memorizing the whole thing in both English and Arabic. For now I have it written down (in both). I memorize well by writing things down repeatedly, so it might come down to doing that. I know the positions and some of what to say without looking, but it still feels kind of fragmented and like I'm thinking about what I'm doing. I wish it could just flow for me. I think all this but with school I'm already learning other stuff but hope to either know it by the time I'm done or I'll work on it then. I don't want it to feel like a burden or that won't work good for me. The intention is to learn it though. I want to get a prayer mat too, praying on my hardwood floors is not very comfortable! So I'll see about ordering one soon.

Yesterday I went out, and it was cold and rainy which means it's scarf weather! I put mine on like hijab style and loved it, but some of my hair was showing and then I didn't feel like going out that way. I really don't want to do it half way or quite yet. I don't know. Maybe I need to work up to it. Not sure. I feel like I'm working on other things with my faith right now. Like that isn't the largest priority. I'm otherwise modest in my dress, but I'm not ready to be "out" as a Muslim yet or have people ask me questions or feel like some kind of representative of the religion or anything. I can't deal with that right now. Insha Allah that will get easier too.

I'm Muslim in my dreams

I had a dream last night where I was talking to some people. In the dream I knew them, like they were family or friends or coworkers, people I'm around a lot. Although I don't remember who they actually were in real life. Someone in the dream said to me with the way I've been talking lately and what I'm interested in, I should read the Bible. And I thought to myself, "I don't want to read the Bible, that's not my religion. I'm Muslim now, I wonder if I should tell them?" And I started thinking about telling people I'm Muslim in my dream. I woke up and thought that was pretty neat that this has even made it into my subconscious, and I identify this way in my dreams. It felt good, like I am happy this is me now.

Alhumdilillah - prayer

After writing tonight I really did want to do my intention, and I did pray. I'm so glad!

slump but still going

I haven't prayed in a while, which I'm not happy with that. I'm going to try to tonight. I really want to get into the habit of it. I want it to be a regular thing. On a side note, I'm wanting to get a more regular sleep schedule as well, so I'm hoping Insha Allah to sort of incorporate them together, like set up a new routine for the morning and evening. That would help with some of the prayers at least. I think once I get used to doing them more, I'll be able to continue easier. I do like doing them and find them beneficial and important, so I think they are their own reward, in a way.

I have been reading some of the Qur'an each day, Alhumduilillah.

I feel like I need to work on learning about my faith more and putting more effort into prayer. Insha Allah this will get easier for me and I'll put forth the effort.

Qur'an quote and my thoughts about it

I was just reading in the Qur'an and wanted to quote some of it I really liked. This comes from Chapter 76:

"Has not man passed through a space of time when he was not anything made mention of? ... We showed him the Way. He is either appreciative, and follows it, or is ungrateful, and rejects it." And later in the same chapter, "Your effort is appreciated."

These really spoke to me right now. It did when I read through it before as well. I think this is quite philosophical. There was a point before I ever was (and everyone else). Yet here we are. We were given this guide - "the Way." I love that particular phrasing. I wish I knew Arabic so I could read this in the original language and understand it in that context. The concept of the Way is mentioned in many different philosophical backgrounds. It's mentioned in Buddhism and Taoism. In each it means something different - the context within the philosophy is different. However, they all symbolize the Ultimate Way, the way things are, the way they should be, the way they are going, in the present moment and beyond, what is going on, Nature as it is, our essence as we are, the path we're on...

I try to keep in mind being grateful for what I have and being mindful of things I'm grateful for. I think it's so important to recognize everything we can be thankful for. It's too easy to take things for granted til they are gone, and then we get upset. We can spend all our time upset if we want to or don't pay any attention to the things that are going right or well. In the context of this Qur'an quote, it seems to be pointing out that we can either take this guidance or not - this Ultimate Guidance - and if we appreciate it, we will take it and go with it. It's interesting to me, because yeah, why would someone reject this great gift? They would be ungrateful.

And how reassuring it is to hear that one's effort is appreciated. Everyone wants to hear that after a job well done. It doesn't always happen, and that's not necessarily our ultimate goal in doing anything. Plenty of people like to do a good job for the sake of doing a good job, even if no one else ever notices. But how motivating and validating and good does it feel when one IS told thanks for the good job, I appreciate what you did? It's nice. Sometimes it makes something really tough worth it, when one knows that someone did notice and did acknowledge it.

I'm not sure if it's "proper" for me to me rambling on my thoughts about quotes from the Qur'an. I'm no formal scholar on it, just putting my thoughts out there. I think it's interesting, and it helps me process what I'm getting out of it. I think with time it'll evolve. So it might be nice to be able to look back and see what I was getting out of it at this point in time. I have no idea if anyone who would read this would care to share their thoughts on it, as long as it's respectful, that's okay with me.

books, inspiration, prayer, and hijab

I'm still reading some of the Qur'an each day, and love it. I'm also still reading a Rumi poem each day. I've lost interest for now in the Spiritual Gems... book for now, though I think it's good. I'm thinking of putting that aside and rereading Reclaim Your Heart by Yasmin Mogahed. I read that book before converting and actually thought it's among the best books I've ever read. I zipped through it, I was really into it. I think rereading it, now as a Muslim, and taking the time to think about each thing in the book may help me find a way to get through this period I'm having now where I want more but feel kind of stuck. I'm not doing so well with prayer, and I'd love to make it more of a habit and get better at doing it properly. Every time I pray I feel better afterwards, I feel more peaceful and like I did a good action. I love making dua and thinking about my relationship with Allah. Insha Allah this will become easier for me.

I keep thinking about hijab. I'd love to start wearing it, but I feel like it would be better to feel more solid with my inner hijab first. While I think it would help me think of my actions more and be more aware, as it's not the norm here, I feel like I don't want to be a poor "representative" of Muslims, and I don't feel I'll be comfortable answering questions at this point and being "out" as a Muslim yet. I don't know when that will come. I guess I'm still getting used to it within myself. Each time I think of it, I love it. It is feeling more normal for me, and I can see my perspective getting used to it. However, I still feel like there's a lot to this religion I don't know yet. I want to learn but know it'll take time. I suppose I should just start with step one, prayer, and go from there.