some thoughts of the day

I've been reading Spiritual Gems of Islam..., and I really like it. There's a hadith quoted in it that I came across that I like: "Know thyself and you shall know thy Sustainer." This book is more spiritual than religious, but I like it. It's tickling my mind and making me think about Islam from another point of view.

I feel the desire and need to progress with praying more and more correctly, but it's hard. It seems like this is the first hard thing for a lot of new Muslims, from what I've found. It's hard when it's not a habit, especially when it's in another language and all the steps and things about it... but I'll get there Insha'Allah. I'm working on it.

I'm thinking about hijab and was set on getting certain ones to try out around my home to get used to it and to wear while praying, but the website I had found and liked hasn't gotten back to me about questions I had about the site and how it works. I might try somewhere else, but I haven't found as good of a selection elsewhere. I guess for a first hijab (I want to get an Al Amira one or two piece), I don't need to be too picky. I also want to get a prayer mat from somewhere.

I'm finding it hard to balance all of my other priorities, plus this huge desire I have to learn about Islam. Maybe it's good, so I don't go too fast and get ahead of myself. I do feel the potential of it growing in me.

I wish I could find a way to connect with some Muslim sisters. I'm not ready to go to a masjid yet. I also feel this great distance between me and my friends. I've put it there to have room for myself, but I keep having dreams about them and wonder how they will fit into my life if I decide to be more social. What will they think of this? And how will my friendships be with my male friends? I'm also wondering how many other ways this will affect my life in ways I haven't thought of yet. If there's anything I'm used to that I'll have to give up. I already don't eat meat and don't drink and dress pretty modestly aside from covering my hair, so those kinds of things aren't a change. I do wonder how wearing hijab will feel. I'm sure it will feel really nice, I want to wear it. I'm just wondering, how, in reality, it will be, here where I live, how people will react, and how I will feel about it. Confident? Free? Self conscious? Foreign/Other? Normal? I don't know. I have a feeling I'll know when I'm ready.