It's been a week since I took my Shahada! :) I'm so glad I did. I feel a lot better about things since then.
I'm thinking I'd like to get a prayer mat. I have hardwood floors which doesn't make for very comfortable praying! I also want to get a couple different kinds of hijabs just to get used to wearing them. I think I'll wear them at home and while praying. I don't know when I'll start wearing them out, but once the weather is cooler, I think the transition will be easier. I've heard it recommended to wear them around home, look at oneself in the mirror and even take a picture and look at it, just to get used to seeing oneself with it on. I think that will help me get used to wearing it. I'd like to feel more solid with things before taking that step of wearing it out. I've been working on my inner hijab and dressing modestly and try to be mindful of those things. I think actually wearing a head covering out will help with that, but I want to feel like I have a good foundation of modest behavior otherwise before wearing the more obvious symbol people associate with Muslim women. I've heard some non-Muslims criticize new revert Muslim women who wear hijab but aren't otherwise perfect Muslims, calling them hypocritical or thinking they are being fake or attention seeking. Not that those people know what they are talking about, not that they knew the person or the circumstances, and not that those people's opinions and judgements matter, but... I'd rather behave in a way that I find consistent with things and feel able to talk about things comfortably first, because I'm sure I could get a comment or question, or people might look and think things, and I think it would be best if I present myself in a respectable and respectful way. That's how I'd like to be anyway. Plus I want to be consistent. I feel like if I take things one step at a time, things will be easier along the way, rather than trying to jump into something I'm not used to and forcing myself to deal with it.
I'm working on learning the prayer, and each time I do it, it seems to flow better. I'll be excited when I can do the whole prayer without referencing my notes! I haven't been praying on time, and Insha'Allah that will get easier too. I really am trying to ease into things, which I've heard it recommended. I feel like I'm slowly and carefully taking each step forward, which is comfortable, and feels like I'm heading in the right direction. I'd rather do that than, again, plunging forward to fast and then having difficulty. I've also only been praying once a day, which I'd like to increase, but I'm not forcing myself to do anything but easing into things.
I haven't told anyone I've converted! I'd like to connect with other reverts. Eventually I'd like to find a community to be involved in, but I think it would be overwhelming for me at this point to meet a group of people or feel any pressure to do anything. I still get this thought several times a day, "Oh yeah... I'm Muslim!" and I love it, but I'm not used to the idea yet.
I've been having a lot of vivid dreams lately, and I think it's sorting out things in my head. My old way of life and this new way of life. My relations with others and activities and things and what I want to be doing with my time and how I want to be associating with people. My priorities and interests and opinions. Things have been changing, and I feel it's all positive. I do wonder how it will affect my friendships with people. I'm taking my time with this. I feel like this is a positive change for me, so I would hope that people would be happy for me. I'm trying to gradually incorporate this into my life. Fit all the good stuff together. I do wonder how much other stuff I'll disregard. What isn't important anymore? What don't I want? I think it's a good to let certain things go, and I do feel that within Islam is a helpful guide as to what is important. I've even been having dreams with Satan in them, and had thoughts in them about Satan's trying to persuade me, but in them, I am not interested, which is relieving and I think a good sign that I'm headed in a good direction. I don't want things that are bad for me.
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I'm reading some books, so I figure I'll list them in case I feel like discussing them.
I just started Spiritual Gems of Islam: Insights & Practices from the Qur'an, Hadith, Rumi & Muslim Teaching Stories to Enlighten the Heart & Mind by Imam Jamal Rahman. I don't have anything to say about it yet, I'm on the first page. I'm excited to read it though.
A Year With Rumi: Daily Readings by Coleman Barks. This is a poem a day, and there is a date (month and day) for each. I started a few days ago and do enjoy reading a poem a day. I love Rumi's poetry.
The Autobiography of Malcolm X. I love reading autobiographies and hearing stories about people's lives. I saw the movie based on his life a few years back. I thought the movie was good, but books are of course always way better, they're so much more in depth.
crucial conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler. This was recommended to me in a work context, and I think there's some good points in this. Some of the suggestions, a lot, are things I already do. I do think though that this book plus this new Muslim insight is actually helping me critique myself and pay more attention to how I look at myself and my behavior and how I am with others. I think it will be really useful.
And lastly, Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. I read this at the laundry mat, so I'm not zooming through it like I can sometimes with books. I read this as a kid and loved it. I saw the movie a couple years back and loved it. So I'm rereading it now and find it very pleasant reading.
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